THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 1 [Opening scene: A full view of the planet Eran. It is blue and Earth-like. In one of the major cities, crowds of people walk to and fro. Suddenly, the sky goes dark and every one looks up. A huge fleet of warships has simply materialized in orbit. It is so large that, from space, Eran now appears to have a ring. Cut to the main goverment building in Eran's capital. The president of Eran has been summoned to a large situation room along with a man in military dress, his top general.] PRESIDENT What the hell is going on? OPERATOR This huge fleet just...appeared in orbit, sir! PRESIDENT That's impossible. You can't warp a ship into a gravity well! GENERAL Apparently they can. [The president is suddenly struck with a thought.] PRESIDENT What time is it? [He checks his watch.] Oh my god. No... No, it can't be. GENERAL Can't be who? OPERATOR Sir, receiving a transmission from the fleet! PRESIDENT Put it on the main screen. [The view on the large main screen pans over a cheering crowd, while an announcer talks in voice-over.] ANNOUNCER (VO) Planet Eran, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestant on The Price is High! And now, here's your host, the wizard of wacky, the sultan of silly, the one, the only, LORRRRRRRRRRRD ROBIN!!!! PRESIDENT Oh, no. Oh, God, please no... [The screen shows a stage backed by a curtain. The curtain opens slightly and out walks a tall man with short black hair. He wears a jumpsuit that is ridiculously full of color and is smiling so wide you expect the top of his head to fall off.] ROBIN Thank you, thank you! And welcome to the Price is High! The only game show that brings the action to *you*! GENERAL [to the President] I can scramble the entire airspace forces of the planet in under fifteen minutes. PRESIDENT Against Lord Robin's armada? We wouldn't make a dent. The best we could hope to do is make him mad. ROBIN Our contestant today is a lovely little planet on the fringes of known space, Eran! [applause] Representing Eran is the leader of that world, President Francis. So, tell me a little about yourself. PRESIDENT Huh? ROBIN Ooh, not a very exciting life. But don't worry, it's bound to get exciting real soon! PRESIDENT Lord Robin, please. We're both leaders, we can reach some kind of agreement. We're--we're reasonable men, you and I-- ROBIN BAH-HAHAHAHAHA! Reasonable men! HAHAHA! That's good! Whew! You are the witty one, aren't you! In fact, I think I'll reward you by giving you a free correct answer! [With a DING! a "1" appears behind Lord Robin. The crowd goes "OOOOH!"] PRESIDENT I'll give you anything you want! The entire resources of this planet are yours! [The General looks shocked. He opens his mouth but the President motions for him to keep quiet.] ROBIN Give *me* something? You silly goof, this a game show! I'm supposed to give *you* stuff! Hmph! Non-conformists! What is this galaxy coming to? Next question! "What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" PRESIDENT I--I don't know. ROBIN No no no no NO! I go "What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?", you go "European or African?", I say "I don't know!", then blow myself up! One more time: "What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" PRESIDENT Eu--European or African? [A buzzer sounds.] ROBIN Sorry, that's wrong! Don, what do we have for our naive little friend? ANNOUNCER (VO) Well, Lord Robin, I'm afraid that Eran doesn't qualify for our grand prize, however, as a consolation they will receive a lovely copy of our home game! ROBIN Oh, boy! The home game! That's where we bring the game to YOUR HOME! HIT IT! [A catchy rock-dance tune starts up, and Robin dances and lip-synches. Behind him, the view of the stage fades out to be replaced by several views of Eran.] PRESIDENT No! NOOO! Lord Robin, PLEASE!! [Every ship in the vast armada that rings Eran begins firing massive pulse-cannons from its belly. Every hit on the planet is equivalent to an H-Bomb. As the destruction plays behind him, Lord Robin continues to dance, pretending to direct the explosions with his hands. A shot strikes a major downtown area, and the buildings bulge outward before they disintegrate. Cars attempt to flee the cities as explosions seem to chase them down the highway. The President and General scream as a direct hit on the situation room vaporizes them. Hits in the oceans create gigantic tsunamis which destroy coastal cities. A large residential area is reduced to sticks by multiple hits. This continues for three minutes, the bombardment ending with the song. As the song concludes, Lord Robin's figure is superimposed on a wasteland.] ROBIN And so we come to the end of another exciting episode of The Price is High. Be sure to join us next week, same Robin-time, same Robin-channel, when our next contestant could be *you*! Until then, this is Lord Robin saying "KEEP ON ROCKING!" [The screen goes blank and is replaced with the WWWA logo. Cut to a large arena filled with uniformed trouble consultants (mostly female) who have been watching the previous events on a screen. At a podium in front of the screen, the Chairman of the Board of the WWWA is addressing the audience.] CHAIRMAN What you have just seen was broadcast to all of colonized space on a hyperspace channel. The United Galactica immediately dispatched a small fleet to Eran. So far, no survivors have been found. [The Chairman pauses. Panning across the faces of the trouble consultants reveals stunned looks and silence.] This is the third consecutive week that this "Lord Robin" has destroyed a world. Each new kill follows the last by exactly seven standard days. Each has been broadcast to the galaxy as if it were a form of entertainment. [The Chairman turns to the screen. A diagram of a quarter of the galaxy appears, with three red dots, not closely spaced, in the upper right-hand quarter.] The three incidents so far have taken place in this portion of the galaxy. However, an extensive search of this area has turned up nothing. It's as if the fleet only exists when it's destroying a planet. Having exhausted all its options, the United Galactica has decided to hire us. [The crowd starts to murmur.] Yes, that's right. All of us. The Worlds Welfare Work Association has been placed at the disposal of the UG High Command. From this moment on, each and every one of you, in addition to your regular assignments, will have the following standing order. You are to spend every available moment of time searching your assigned area of space for Lord Robin's fleet. Should you find it, you will take whatever action you deem necessary and feasible to prevent its next kill. This order will remain in effect until I countermand it. Are there any questions? [A trouble consultant with short black hair raises her hand.] Rumiko? RUMIKO You say we're supposed to take any action we deem feasible. Meaning no disrespect, sir, but like what? Most of us work in pairs with only one ship. We'd be no match for an entire fleet of warships. CHAIRMAN No one expects you to lead an all-out assault against Lord Robin's fleet. At the very least we expect you to tail him and signal for help. Any other questions? [Another girl with curly blonde hair stands up.] Cindy? CINDY Sir, I don't have a question but I have a comment. CHAIRMAN Go ahead. CINDY I believe we should stay out of this. Tell the United Galactica we don't want their business. [The crowd breaks into shocked murmuring.] CHAIRMAN Order, *please*! [The crowd quiets down.] Cindy, since you've decided to become a policy-adviser for the entire 3WA, perhaps you'd like to clarify your position? CINDY You don't seem to understand the implications of the existence of that fleet. It can just pop into orbit around a planet, and that's amazing, yes, but what's even more amazing is that it exists at all. Those aren't junkheap ships, they aren't refurbished old clunkers. That fleet is all state-of-the-art equipment. There are damned few planets in the UG that have an armed fleet that powerful. Don't any of you understand what that means? CHAIRMAN [annoyed] Why don't you tell us, Cindy? CINDY Lord Robin has to be supplied from somewhere. That means he has contacts. What's more, even as they were building these ships, powerful enough to destroy a planet in three minutes, no one knew about it. He must have spent years putting this fleet together, yet we're just finding out about it now. So that means he has even more contacts to cover up his preparations. Contacts in very high places. Sir, if we get involved in this, I seriously believe we could be biting off more than we could chew. CHAIRMAN [angry] And just what, Cindy, is your idea of something the 3WA can't handle? CINDY Well, for example-- [Cindy whips her gun out of her holster and fires at the Chairman. The Chairman's aide, reacting quickly, tackles him, taking the lethal blast himself. Cindy turns and begins shooting other trouble consultants with rapid shots. None of the other TC's are armed. A girl tackles Cindy from behind and knocks the gun out of her hand. Cindy reaches back, grabs the girl around the head and shoulder and breaks her neck. Another TC picks up the gun and shoots Cindy in the chest, three times. She staggers and falls forward. Another aide gets up and staggers to an intercom.] AIDE Medical emergency! Code level alpha! Auditorium! Now! [Some trouble consultants help the wounded while others sob uncontrollably over the loss of their partners. A crowd gathers around Cindy's body.] TC #1 Cindy, a traitor. I never would have believed it. TC #2 We should've thought something was weird when she came to the meeting armed. But still, Cindy... TC #3 Hey, her grenade belt is full, too! We're lucky we got her in time! TC #4 I'm gonna roll her over. [The fourth TC kneels and reaches for the body.] TC #2 NO, WAIT!! [As the TC touches Cindy, all the grenades go off. Cut to a hallway leading to the auditorium. Kei and Yuri are walking quickly toward the meeting for which they are, of course, late. They are also fighting.] YURI I am *not* taking the heat for this, Kei! If Goulet tries to roast our tails, I'm telling him exactly who's responsible! KEI You wouldn't dare! YURI Just watch me! This is the third time one of your cute little "short-cuts" has made me late for an important meeting! Fourth, if you count that date I stood up! KEI Well, excuuuuuse me, Miss Perfect! If it's so damned important to you, why didn't you let me drive and do the navigating yourself?! YURI Navigating?! You call that navigating?! You couldn't navigate your way out of a wet paper bag!! KEI I COULD TOO!! [They reach the door to the auditorium.] YURI Shhhh! We're here! Maybe we can sneak in and no one'll notice. [Yuri opens the door, and a TC with long, straight red hair falls on her. The girl is missing her right eye and ear. She grabs Yuri for support, smearing blood all over her.] D-Daphne? DAPHNE [weakly] Yuri....... [Daphne passes out and slumps to the floor. Two medical personnel come running up.] MED What the hell are you standing there for? Help someone! KEI My god, Yuri. What did we miss? [Pan back. Kei and Yuri walk over and help treat the wounded. Smoke from the grenades still lingers in the room. Debris is scattered everywhere. TC's sit and lie in various states of injury, wrapped in bandages. Some bodies are covered by white sheets. Fade to Goulet's office. Kei and Yuri walk in, less perky than usual.] GOULET I assume you know what your next assignment is about. YURI Uhh, actually no, sir, we missed the meeting. GOULET Oh. Of course. I should have known. [draws a breath] Have either of you heard of Lord Robin? KEI Lord Robin?! We're going after Lord Robin?!! Oh, wow! That's what I call an assignment! YURI Was Lord Robin responsible for what happened yesterday? GOULET We believe so. However, we have analyzed Cindy's body, what's left of it, and have found no trace of mind control whatsoever. What Cindy did, she did of her own free will. KEI No way! Cindy was a TC since before us! She wouldn't have done something like that unless someone was controlling her! GOULET I'm afraid she did. The thing that gets me is that I can't see her motive. Nine trouble consultants were killed at the scene. Seven more have since died of their wounds. It looks like about fifteen will have to be retired due to injury. Over all that's about thirty TC's we've lost. Yet that's not even a serious dent in our forces, and Cindy must have known that. I'm not sure whether to take her action as a warning or a provocation. YURI So I take it we've found the location of Lord Robin's fleet? GOULET No. What we *have* found is a place where Robin apparently continually recruits new hands. An agent died getting us this information. The two of you are going undercover. [Kei and Yuri glance at each other. This is different.] You are to go to this place and become members of Lord Robin's crew. Once there, your assignment is threefold. First, you are to discover what technology Lord Robin is using to warp his entire fleet directly into orbit around a planet. There *is* a device that makes this possible, the something-or-other compensator, but there are only three in existence-- YURI Two, sir. GOULET Wait, that's right. One was destroyed a while ago. How did you know about that? KEI & YURI Uhhhhhh... GOULET NO! Don't tell me! I don't want to know! Anyway, the things have been so recently developed, are so expensive and take so much time to build, that I doubt he has the hundreds he'd need for his entire fleet. Secondly, you are to obtain the names of all his contacts. High-level, low-level, we need them all. And lastly... [pause] You are to terminate Lord Robin. Do you think you can handle this? KEI I don't know about the first two, but I can sure handle the last one! [She makes a "gun-shooting" motion with her hand.] SHOOM! GOULET Don't expect help on this one. The only other person in the 3WA who is aware of this mission is the Chairman. We aren't even keeping records. KEI & YURI Huh? GOULET We can't take the chance that there are no other double-agents in our organization. You also must go in almost completely unarmed. No nifty gadgets, nothing that screams "3WA". You will both be given transmitters. A large fleet of armed UG patrol-ships are waiting on the signal. They don't know about you. All they know is that the signal will lead them to Lord Robin. At the appropriate time, you will trigger your transmitters, and hopefully you will be able to effect an escape during the attack. YURI Of course, turning on the transmitter will blow our cover. GOULET Exactly. KEI Man, we sure have our work cut for us this time. GOULET Go to the tech-lab now and pick up your transmitters. Take this. [He hands Yuri a data chip.] This is the only existing detailed description of your mission. Read it, memorize it, destroy it. YURI Got it. [The girls turn to leave.] GOULET And Yuri, Kei... be careful. [The Angels are surprised. Goulet usually acts like he'd *like* them dead.] KEI Uh... Sure. [They leave.] GOULET I never thought the day would come when I'd be worried *for* the Dirty Pair instead of *about* them. [Cut to tech-lab. An intense Dr. Kueblestein, wearing safety goggles, is working on an experiment. Kei's hand falls on his shoulder.] KUEBLESTEIN WAAAH! [With a BOOMPH!, the experiment blows up in his face, covering it and his goggles with soot.] Hmm. That's odd. I appear to have gone blind. This was not in the parameters of the experiment. Perhaps a test of the evidence... [He wipes his goggles.] A-ha! Another triumph for the scientific method! Kei! Yuri! Welcome! YURI We're here to pick up the transmitters. [Kei looks at an array of wires plugged into sockets. She touches one and it pops out.] KUEBLESTEIN Transmitters? Hmmm... Oh, yes! Follow me. [Yuri follows Kueblestein to the other side of the lab. Kei, still holding the wire, can't remember which socket it went in; they all look alike. She plugs it into a socket, causing the box to crackle and then explode. As aides rush over to douse the fire, Kei walks away, whistling. She joins Yuri and Kueblestein.] KUEBLESTEIN I also have some other things I cooked up for you, all very low-tech and boring, I'm afraid. Ah! Here it is! [Kueblestein holds up an object about half the size of a pea.] YURI That's the transmitter? KUEBLESTEIN Oh, it may not not look like much, but squeeze it in a certain way and it will emit a hyperspace signal for ten seconds, a signal powerful enough to be heard across half of colonized space. KEI But won't they be awfully hard to keep track of? KUEBLESTEIN That's why they'll be injected into your body. Don't worry, it won't hurt much. [Kueblestein places the transmitter into an syringe-like injector.] YURI So you're going to stick those things into our arms? KUEBLESTEIN I'm afraid not. The transmitter is impervious to all forms of scanning, but the mark it leaves could be noticed unless it's well hidden. [Kueblestein turns around, an injector in each hand.] Now, if you ladies will undo your tops? [Kei and Yuri go wide-eyed.] THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 2 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. The fleet is very powerful, as is Lord Robin. This is demonstrated when an agent of his, a 3WA trouble consultant, kills a lot of other TC's at a meeting before being killed herself, apparently just to prove a point. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts and agents, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to a commercial space transport. Kei and Yuri are sitting next to each other. Yuri looks out the window thoughtfully while Kei fumes.] KEI "Don't worry, it won't hurt much." OW! I swear I'm going to write up a complaint about this! YURI Oh, give it a rest. The way you carry on, you'd think he stuck it *in* one instead of between them. KEI Well, it still hurts! If he wanted someplace well hidden, why didn't he put it in my butt? YURI Because you'd activate it when you sat down. Quit complaining already! You don't see me whining about it! KEI Maybe 'cuz you don't have as much there to hurt! [Yuri whips around.] YURI Watch your mouth! [Yuri looks out the window again.] Mughi sure was upset. KEI Yeah. I've never seen the big furball so worried. [Kei looks around the cabin. It is almost completely empty, save for the Angels and a couple others.] Hey, Yuri, doesn't the plane seem a bit empty to you? YURI Well, Alderon isn't exactly a tourist attraction. The most successful businesses there are murder and robbery. I just hope we don't get attacked before we get to where we're going. KEI I could use the practice. [The plane enters Alderon's atmosphere, then lands at a spaceport. Cut to a very evil-looking part of town. Kei and Yuri walk through the dark, nearly deserted streets. The Angels are both dressed in black leather. Kei wears a jacket, Yuri only a vest. Kei has found time to spike her red hair. She wears shades and a knife in a holster on her belt. Yuri has her hair tied back in a ponytail. She has drawn a black semicircle around the side of her right eye. She wears fingerless leather gloves and a small chain belt. The girls reach the entrance of a bar.] KEI I sure hope this is the right place. YURI Didn't you memorize the assignment like Goulet said? KEI I figured, why bother? I could always ask you. [Kei and Yuri take deep breaths, throw open the doors and stride confidently into the bar. All eyes, especially those of the men, lock onto the newcomers. The girls pretend that the stares don't bother them, walk to a table and sit down, acting as if they own the place. A scruffy young man walks over to the table and sits next to them.] SCRUFFY Hello, there. [The girls ignore him.] Haven't seen you in this place before. [pause] Not very talkative, are you? Would a drink loosen your tongue? I'll buy. YURI Sure. We'll both have the Songbird Cocktail. [The scruffy young man raises his eyebrows and stands up.] SCRUFFY Wait here. I'll, uh, get your drinks. [The man walks through a door at the back of the bar. Moments later, a gorgeous leggy blonde walks out. All attention is directed at her.] KEI Holy--! So much for our grand entrance. YURI I'd kill for legs like that. [The blonde walks over and sits next to Kei.] BLONDE "Songbird cocktail", huh? Do you know what you're getting into? YURI We're not fools. We know what we're doing. BLONDE We'll see. In any case, you're committed now. Nice knife. [She holds up Kei's knife.] KEI HEY! Give that back! [Kei moves toward the blonde, who swiftly produces a gun.] BLONDE Don't try anything stupid. YURI There's two of us and one of you. You're the one being stupid. BLONDE Are you *sure* you know what you're getting into? [She snaps her fingers. *Everyone* in the bar produces a gun and trains it on the girls. Kei and Yuri swallow.] Please don't move. Blood stains are such a pain to clean. [She turns to the back of the bar.] Darling, it's clear! [The door opens and out walks...] KEI Oh my god, it's really Lord Robin... ROBIN Lord Robin?! WHERE! [He looks around frantically.] Oh, wait, that's right! I'm Lord Robin! It's so hard to keep track of one's identity these days. So... [He pulls out a chair, jumps into it and puts his legs up on the table.] What do you ladies call yourselves? KEI Our names aren't important. ROBIN Oh, I wholeheartedly agree! But then if you're planning on joining my outfit, I have to call you something, don't I? Can't just say "Hey you!" Half my crew answers to that name! Of course... [Robin scratches his chin.] One of them *is* named Heiyu... But then, he's weird. So what is your Nomme du Crew? [Yuri looks at Kei, who shrugs.] YURI Call me Persuasion. She's Coercion. ROBIN Oooh! Abstract nouns for names! Now *there's* a novel idea! Kirsten, darling, let's name our firstborn Reasonable Doubt! [Robin jumps on the blonde and starts tickling her.] KIRSTEN (BLONDE) [giggling] Robin! Stop it! [Robin seems to suddenly remember what he was doing.] ROBIN Oh! How shameful of me! Allow me to introduce Kirsten, the apple of my eye, the song in my heart, the cream filling in my Twinkie. And you're-- You know, those names you gave are a bit serious. How 'bout I call you Percy and Cory? KEI Suit yourself. ROBIN WONderful! Matron! The finest wine in the house for our new friends! Ooh, isn't this special! We're gonna have fuuuuuuun! [Robin turns to receive the wine.] KEI [whispering to Yuri] Is this guy for real? YURI [whispering] I guess so. He acts just like he does on the broadcasts-- [louder] Chateau Orion '29???!! ROBIN The lady knows wine! Better a lady who knows wine than a whining lady, I always say! [Three glasses are poured.] YURI But...there are only five bottles in existence! ROBIN And after tonight, there will only be four, so you'd better enjoy it! [Robin lifts his glass.] To Percy and Cory, my new bestest friends! May the wind always be at your back, unless someone behind you just farted! [The girls just look at their wine.] My, my! Aren't we a trifle untrustworthy tonight! [Robin drains his glass.] Look what you made me do! Now I have to pour another one! And too much wine makes me silly! KIRSTEN I like you silly. ROBIN Really? I like me silly, too! We have even more in common than I thought! [The girls drink their wine.] YURI Wow. Chateau Orion '29. Never thought I'd have that in my mouth. KEI Aah, wine is wine. I don't suppose you have anything stronger? ROBIN Certainly! But I really think you should stay sober. You have an initiation to go through. KEI Huh? What, do we have to rip off a car or something? [The whole bar bursts into laughter.] ROBIN Oh, no, no! Nothing so mundane! [Robin claps his hands over his head and a woman and two men walk over.] Let me introduce three friends of mine. This is Jenna... [He points to a tall woman with spiked black hair.] This is Claude... [He points to a large, muscular, black man.] And this is... [He points to a slender bald man with a distant expression.] Well, we don't really know his name. I call him Spooky. KIRSTEN Spooky's mute. ROBIN The initiation is really very simple. You're going to walk out that door. Thirty minutes later, Jenna, Claude, and Spooky will walk out the same door. If thirty minutes after that, you're still alive, you're in! Now what could be simpler? YURI And suppose we don't want to play your little game? ROBIN Hey, it's a free galaxy! But you may want to consider playing along. There was a slow-acting poison in the wine. KEI What? You drank it too! ROBIN Ah, but I have the antidote. You don't. [Kei and Yuri look at each other, unsure of Lord Robin's honesty.] You should start feeling the effects in about half an hour, which, by an amazing coincidence, is exactly when your head start runs out. So go on! Git! Shoo! [Kei and Yuri are still too unsure to act. Kirsten brings her gun up again.] KIRSTEN I believe the man wants you to leave. [The Angels get up. The entire bar laughs at them.] KEI At least give me my knife back! [Kirsten looks at Robin, who nods, then flips Kei the knife.] ROBIN Maestro! The jukebox! I suddenly have happy feet! [A man gives a beaten old jukebox a violent kick, which makes it start playing a synth-dance tune. Robin grabs Kirsten and starts dancing like a maniac all over the bar, much to her delight. Kei and Yuri leave, visibly shaken. Cut to a large room in an abandoned building. Kei and Yuri are crouched in a corner, against one wall. The other wall has a window looking out onto the street. Kei has her knife out and is examining it.] KEI I hate this waiting. [pause, Kei looks at Yuri.] "Percy and Cory"? YURI It was the best I could come up with. UNGH! KEI What's wrong? YURI Stomach cramp... KEI You too, huh? Looks like Robin was telling the truth about the wine. [pause] Damn... I hope he's not going to just leave us to die. That would be a real stupid way to end the mission. YURI They'll come. I believe it. [A rustling noise is heard.] KEI AAAH! [She throws the knife and the noise stops. Kei carefully walks through the dark to where she heard the noise.] Oh. That's a relief. [She pulls the knife out of the floor and brings it back. A huge grey rat is stuck on the end.] It was just a rat, see? YURI Oh, YUCCH! Take it away, Kei, I'm sick enough already! [Kei flicks the knife and the rodent corpse goes hurtling into the darkness.] KEI How long since our head start ran out? YURI About ten minutes. It's a big city, I don't understand how they hope to-- [A big fist punches through the wall behind the two.] FIND US!! [Claude sticks his head through the hole.] CLAUDE Hi! How y'all doin'? [Kei punches him in the jaw, then howls and grabs her hand.] Aww, did I forget to mention that I'm a cyborg? Musta just slipped my mind! I'll get the door! [Claude smashes, rips, and kicks a hole in the wall. Kei and Yuri back off. Claude makes it all the way through.] Now... who wants to be first? [Yuri backs out the door, then notices Jenna in the street with a gun. Spooky stands off to the side like he could care less.] YURI SHIT! [She ducks back inside just as Jenna fires, the shot knocking a chunk out of the door frame. Kei faces off with Claude, who is taking his time walking toward the girls.] Dammit, she's got a gun! This isn't fair! CLAUDE *Life* ain't fair. JENNA [from outside] Yeah, but don't worry about it, you ain't gonna live much longer! [Kei holds out the knife. Claude continues to slowly walk toward the Angels.] KEI Keep back! CLAUDE Oh, wow, a real knife! I'm so scared! [Yuri looks out intoo the road. Almost on the other side, there is a metal barrel. Yuri looks at Claude, then runs out into the street. Jenna fires twice, missing, and Yuri dives for cover behind the barrel. As Jenna's shots bounce off the barrel, Yuri takes off her chain belt. It is very long and has a weight on one end. Cut back to Kei, still being stalked by Claude.] KEI Damn you! [Kei throws the knife and it lodges in Claude's chest.] CLAUDE AAAAH! [He looks at the knife and pulls it out. An oil-like substance seeps out of the wound.] Shit! You little bitch! Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this?! My warranty ran out last month! You just cost me a week's salary! KEI Life ain't fair. CLAUDE Har-de-friggin-HAR!!! [He charges Kei like a bull. Kei smiles and executes a perfect Judo throw. Claude goes right through the wall behind her and out into the street, distracting Jenna. Yuri gets up, whirls the weighted end of the chain over her head and throws it. It wraps itself around Jenna's gun. Yuri gives a yank, disarming Jenna and catching the gun herself. She holds it on the two assassins.] YURI Neither one of you move! JENNA Oh, give me a break. YURI I mean it! We're just going to wait here until time runs out! JENNA The way your hands are shaking, you couldn't hit the side of a barn. And you know that or else you'd gun me down right now! [Yuri looks at the gun and sees Jenna is right. Jenna quickly removes a large, sharpened metal ring from her belt. Yuri fires and misses by a mile. Jenna throws the ring and it cuts the gun in two before returning to her.] YURI Oh, hell. [Yuri dives behind the barrel again as Jenna throws the ring. The ring makes a deep cut in the barrel. To herself:] Kei, where are you? [Jenna turns to Claude who has been sitting in the road.] JENNA Hey, Claude, want a chance to redeem yourself? CLAUDE [getting up] Sure, why not. I'd rather go for the redhead, but as has been said, life ain't fair. [He walks toward Yuri's position.] YURI Dammit. CORRREEEEEE! [The sounds of a vehicle are heard. Claude turns his head, just in time to be hit by the car and sent flying. The car stops and the passenger side door opens.] KEI Get in! I stole their car! [Yuri runs to the car and gets in as Kei floors it. Claude gets up, dusts himself off, then looks at Jenna. The two start to laugh.] CLAUDE God, I love this job! JENNA Beats holdin' up liquor stores, that's for sure! C'mon Spooky, we don't want to lose them. [Cut to interior of the car. Kei is driving at breakneck speed.] KEI Sorry I took so long. It's been awhile since I hotwired a car. YURI Where are we going? KEI Anywhere. I'll just drive all over the place until time runs out. No way are they gonna catch us. [pause] Boy, I don't feel so good. I'm getting dizzy. YURI You want me to drive? KEI Why, do you feel any better? YURI I doubt it. KEI Then stay where you are. Besides, I wouldn't want you driving even if you were healthy. YURI Gee, thanks! KEI Aw, hell! I took a dead end--HUH?! [Claude is waiting for them directly in their path. Kei stomps on the gas.] YURI Kei, what are you DOING?! [Kei and Yuri leap from the car, which plows into Claude, then into the wall, then explodes. Groaning the girls pick themselves up. Waiting at the entrance to the dead-end are Spooky and Jenna.] JENNA Nice improvisation! You two have sure been more creative than most of the recruits we kill! [Yuri picks up a piece of pipe and wields it like a bo staff. She heads for Jenna, her legs shaky. Meanwhile, Kei has climbed onto the pile of debris, waiting for the inevitable. Sure enough, Claude bursts from the wreckage, battered but fully functional. Kei stands behind him, holding a piece of junk over her head.] CLAUDE I *love* being a cyborg! Everything just bounces off you! If I'da known it would be this much fun, I would'a had that accident a long time ago! [looks around] Where's the cute redhead? [Kei brings the blunt object down on his head as hard as she can.] KEI DIE!! CLAUDE OOF! [Claude reaches back, grabs her arms, and pulls her over his head. He holds her around the neck.] It's been fun, babe. [Yuri approaches Jenna with the pipe. Jenna throws the blade ring and it slices the pipe in half, but going through the thick pipe robs it of needed momentum and it falls short of returning to her. Yuri holds the remaining pipe like a bat and charges Jenna. Spooky's eyes glow, and suddenly the ground beneath Yuri seems to ripple and flow. Yuri loses her balance and falls sprawled at Jenna's feet. Jenna picks up and holds a knife at her throat. Yuri tries to elbow her, but she is too weak.] JENNA Nice try. I'm impressed. Sincerely. Don't take this personally. [Lord Robin steps into view behind Jenna.] ROBIN TIME!! JENNA What? Come on! ROBIN You know the rules, dear Jenna! Let our new member go. [Jenna reluctantly does so.] JENNA Phooie! So much for my streak. ROBIN You too, Claude! Bring her over here. CLAUDE [to himself] I could break her neck, say she was already dead... Aah, who'm I kiddin'? [He releases his grip on Kei, then carries her to the others and drops her.] Actually, she did me a favor. Now I can claim a no-fault car accident on my insurance forms and get free repairs! [The girls are now in serious pain and can no longer stand.] YURI Please... the antidote... ROBIN Antidote? Oh, that! I lied. There isn't one. KEI Wh...what?! ROBIN Oh, don't worry, it's not fatal. In fact, if you take small doses, you can build up an immunity! YURI You--AUGH!--bastard... ROBIN That's the spirit! Come Claude, bring our two rookies to the shuttle! Then we have a party to attend! [Claude carries a cursing, semi-conscious Angel under each arm to a shuttle parked in the road. All enter, and the shuttle takes off.] THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 3 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. The Angels go to a seedy bar on the planet Alderon, where they make contact, first with Robin's right-hand woman Kirsten, then with Lord Robin himself. He treats them to wine, which he then announces is tainted with a slow-acting poison. In order to obtain the antidote and join the crew, the girls are forced to undergo an "initiation" in which they must survive three of Lord Robin's assassins for thirty minutes. They do, and are told that the poison in fact has no antidote, but is not fatal. In horrible pain, and cursing Lord Robin, the girls are taken to the fleet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to a small living quarters with two beds, each with a sick Lovely Angel on it. Kei and Yuri wake up.] KEI [weakly] Morning, Yuri. You look like hell. YURI Same to you. And it's Percy, remember? Our room might be bugged. KEI What, you think they could hear *this* voice? YURI You have a point. (sniff) Phaugh! I need a shower. [She sits up.] UNGH! [She lays back down.] On second thought, maybe I'll just die right here. [The door slides open and in walks a short, cute girl. She has black hair braided into a pigtail and wears a black jumpsuit that is laced up the front.] HIYOKO Hi, there! KEI Who the hell are you... HIYOKO I'm your new next door neighbor! I'd just thought I'd stop by and introduce myself, do the friendly neighbor thing, you know! KEI Go away... YURI That's Cory. I'm Percy. And you're... HIYOKO Hiyoko! I'm sorta in charge of morale. Say, how'd you like me to take you on a tour of the ship? It's a *real big* ship, with all kinds of *real neat* stuff! You're gonna love this place, it's so keen! YURI Uhhhh...why not? Can't think of anything else I'd rather do. KEI Like maybe having a root canal... YURI Please ignore her. We've had a rough night. HIYOKO Oh, ha ha! I know what that's like! Me and my friend Kirsten went to this all night party on another ship! I swear I didn't walk straight for a day! Funny, though... [She gets thoughtful.] Most of the stuff they said I did I don't remember doing... [She brightens up again.] Ha ha! Isn't life funny? KEI Please let me hurt her... HIYOKO Oh, you two are so silly! I just know we're going to have loads of fun! [Cut to shower room, where Kei and Yuri wash off the remains of the previous night's activities. Hiyoko waits outside the door.] KEI Well, Percy, are we having "loads of fun", yet? YURI At least she was nice enough to bring us here first. We don't want to make a bad impression on the other crew members. KEI Gee, and me without my breath mints! If Jenna and Claude were any indication, we could bathe in barbecue sauce and no one would notice. HIYOKO [calling in] Is everything okay in there? YURI Fine! We sure picked a good time to hit the showers! There's nobody here! HIYOKO I know! It's probably for the best... YURI Huh? Why? HIYOKO Uhhhhhhh... I'll explain later. KEI So you, like, flushed everyone out of here? HIYOKO Well, it *is* 5:00 in the afternoon... KEI & YURI WHAT?! HIYOKO Gee, I guess you didn't know how long you'd been out, huh? Boy, you must have had a wild night! Ha ha! You just *have* to tell me all about it! Come on, get dressed and I'll show you the ship! [Cut to busy area of the ship. Kei, Yuri, and Hiyoko walk along a suspended bridge over a group of people performing some unknown task.] HIYOKO So! What do you think of the Skinny Puppy? KEI The what? HIYOKO I know, isn't that such a silly name for a ship? Lord Robin has such a sense of humor! YURI It sure is big. HIYOKO I know! It's the biggest, most powerful, neatest ship in the whole fleet! Come on! There's lots more to see! [Hiyoko runs off, and the girls follow. Cut to another hallway in the ship. Hiyoko comes running past a door into another room.] YURI Hey, wait! What's in there? HIYOKO Huh? Oh, computers and stuff. Boring. There's lots of neater stuff down here! [She runs off.] YURI Kei, we have to remember how to get back here. KEI You're the one the great memory. It's taking all my strength just to keep up with her! [Hiyoko can be seen at the end of a hallway, jumping up and down.] HIYOKO Guyyyyyyyys! Come onnnnnnnnn! KEI What do they feed her, anyway? [Cut to a large empty auditorium. About 1000 seats face a curtain-backed stage. Above the stage is a U-shaped balcony facing it. At the bottom of the "U" is a camera boom. Hiyoko sits in the boom and makes it swing around, while Kei and Yuri watch.] HIYOKO Whee! Hey, Cory, you wanna try? KEI I'll pass. YURI So, is this where Lord Robin makes his broadcasts? HIYOKO Yep! He keeps telling me he's gonna let me work the camera one of these days but he never does. Oh, well. [She jumps down.] Come on! Let's go downstairs! [She runs off again.] KEI [quietly] Great place for a sniper, eh, Yuri? HIYOKO Come ON, guys!! [Cut to the stage. Hiyoko climbs up the hard way while Kei and Yuri stroll around and take the steps.] HIYOKO I love the stage. It's my favorite place in the whole ship. Lord Robin's gonna make me a star, just you wait! KEI Let me guess, the next time the fleet is in a battle, he'll broadcast your singing to all the enemy ships. HIYOKO Oh, did he tell you? [Hiyoko looks out from the stage.] Check out the view. [At the back of the auditorium is a huge picture window. Through it can be seen what appears to be a bright orange mist with swirls of red and white.] YURI What is it? HIYOKO Outside, silly! Haven't you ever seen a window before? KEI Where *are* we? HIYOKO In orbit around Alderon! Boy, you two really *did* have a rough night! YURI If we're in orbit around Alderon, then where is it? HIYOKO Huh? [She looks confused for a moment.] Oh! No wonder you don't understand! It's real simple. See, Lord Robin invented this new way of travel called "half-warping"! You warp from one end but you don't materialize at the other! You sorta enter this "mock space". Then you're there, but you're sorta not there, you know what I mean? You can still move around. You can even go into orbit around other planets, but no one can see you or even touch you until you undo the half-warp and go back to regular space! YURI You mean the fleet doesn't really warp into orbit around a planet? HIYOKO Of course not! That isn't possible, is it? KEI Wait a minute. If we're in a mock space, aren't we sort of cut off? HIYOKO What do you mean? KEI Well, could a hyperspace signal get out? HIYOKO Mmmmmmm. No, I don't think so. We're completely cut off from the outside. Makes me mad 'cuz I miss all my cartoons. I don't really understand it though. I mean, it's easy for any of us to leave the mock space. Just get in a shuttle and fly far enough away from the Skinny Puppy. But that doesn't work for radio signals. I dunno, maybe they go too fast. KEI (sigh) Just great. HIYOKO Hmm? KEI Uh, it's just great that we're so safe here! HIYOKO Oh, you're as safe as can be in here, that's for sure! YURI Except for that window facing the auditorium. It could be hit during a broadcast. HIYOKO The guy would have to be real lucky. And besides, all the weak points are reinforced with force-field shielding. KEI Huh? Force-fields?! Where do you get the power for that? HIYOKO Ha ha! I'll show you! [Hiyoko runs down the steps, stops and turns around.] You guys are seriously gonna freak out! Come on! [She runs off again, and the girls follow.] [Cut to a large engine room. In the center of the room there is a large pedestal-like machine. On top of the machine is an inverted claw which seems to hold a glowing sphere of energy. The device is huge, and has several extensions that reach up to the ceiling. Technicians do maintenance on the device, some from a balcony halfway up the wall that allows them to reach the extensions. Yuri, Kei, and Hiyoko enter the room.] KEI & YURI Wow. HIYOKO I know, isn't it *awesome*? Hey, there's Tony! Hey, Tony! [Hiyoko runs up to one of the technicians and hugs him from behind, causing him to yelp and drop his tools. He turns around, recognizes her and returns the hug. Hiyoko grabs his hand and drags him over to where Kei and Yuri are standing.] Tony, meet Cory and Percy! This is Tony! Tony's my boyfriend! TONY Hey, you must be those rookies I've heard so much about! Hiyoko's been giving you the tour, huh? HIYOKO I thought maybe you could show them the half-warp drive. I mean, unless it's against rules or something. TONY No problem! If Lord Robin thinks you're fit for the Puppy, I figure I can trust you. [The four walk around the room. Kei and Yuri look around in wonder, while Hiyoko holds onto Tony's arm with both hands.] YURI What *is* that big ball of energy, anyway? TONY Well, it's sort of a big ball of energy! (laughs) Sorry, private joke. It would take a long time to explain exactly what it is. The device plays havok with the various dimensions in order to create the half-warp effect, and one of the side-effects is an immense feedback of energy, some of which shows up as that ball. Monitoring it helps us keep track of how the drive is performing. KEI Looks dangerous. TONY *Is* dangerous! One touch and you're a crispy critter. We'd shield it, but sometimes we have to lower instruments into it to take readings. As you can see, this thing requires constant maintenance. It's the first of its kind and far from perfect. HIYOKO So! Anyone hungry? TONY Sorry, I've got work to do. HIYOKO Awwwwwww, come on! Pleeeease? TONY Hiyoko, I can't. You know how important this is. The whole fleet operates off this one drive. Gotta keep it running! [Hiyoko grabs his arm and tries to pull him out of the room.] HIYOKO Come on, Tony, let's go eat! TONY Darling, I can't. I'll catch up with you at the meeting tonight, I promise. [Hiyoko lets go of Tony's arm.] HIYOKO Okay! Cory, Percy, come on! [Hiyoko runs out of the room.] YURI Uhhh, nice to talking to you! [The Angels run after Hiyoko. Cut to a large, busy cafeteria. The Angels have trays of food and sit opposite each other at a table. Kei leans over and talks quietly to Yuri.] KEI One heluva day, huh, Yuri? We know where the computer access is, we know a good place to shoot Lord Robin from and we know how to blow up the ship if we have to! YURI How do we blow up the ship? KEI C'mon, Yuri! One good shot at that whatchamacallit drive and I'll bet the whole ship'll go up like a supernova! In fact, that Tony guy said the other ships are slaved to that one drive. They'd probably go off like a string of firecrackers! YURI Uh-huh... 'Course, that *does* leave the teensy little problem of getting away ourselves. KEI Oh. Yeah. Still, we got a lot of good leads! [Kei looks at her plate.] You know, for a pirate fleet, the food doesn't look half-bad. YURI [smiling] Yeah, I noticed the two pieces of cheesecake. KEI Hey! I need my energy! This is a tough miss-- [Hiyoko joins them. Kei speaks up.] Oh, hi, Hiyoko! HIYOKO Are you enjoying your meal? YURI It's a lot better than we expected. HIYOKO That's the Skinny Puppy, for you! Only the best of everything! [pause, Hiyoko sits beside Yuri.] Which, um, is something I've been meaning to talk to you about. See, everyone aboard the Puppy is sort of Lord Robin's elite. We're all the best of whatever it is we do. Most of the crewmembers have served with him for at least five years. [Kei and Yuri look surprised.] Oh, yeah, this fleet's been around for a long time! We only just started doing our job. Anyway, Lord Robin must have had a good reason to assign you to this ship, but you're gonna have to put up with a lot of resentment. People worked hard to get on board the Puppy, so when Robin assigned two rookies here it pissed them off. Me, I don't mind. I like you! But I just wanted to warn you. KEI Don't worry. I think we can handle ourselves. JENNA Like you handled yourselves down on Alderon? [Kei turns around. Jenna and Claude have entered and stand behind the three.] If you can't put up more of a fight than you did yesterday, you two pixies ain't gonna last a week! KEI Oh, *yeah*!! You're REAL good when your opponent is barfing her guts out! Beat one of us in a fair fight, *then* open your mouth! JENNA You want a fair fight? Anytime. [Kei stands up. All attention is riveted on the confrontation. People begin to walk over.] YURI Uh, Cory... KEI Quiet, Percy. The day I can't handle an overblown bulldyke is the day I take up knitting. JENNA Oooh, ain't we tough? Give me your best shot... [Kei approaches Jenna. Suddenly, Kirsten is between them, facing Kei.] KIRSTEN Sit down. KEI Get the hell out of my way. HIYOKO Uh, Kirsten? Jenna sort of-- KIRSTEN Stay out of this, Hiyoko. HIYOKO Yes'm. KEI I'm warning you, I've got a mad on and you're in my way! KIRSTEN Then I'm afraid you'll just have to go through me. JENNA [to Claude] Oh, this should be amusing. [Kei turns as if to sit down, then wheels, feints a punch, and throws a right kick at Kirsten's head. Kirsten doesn't fall for the feint, catches Kei's leg on her arm, grabs it, pulls it forward, and nails Kei with a stiffarm to the face. Kei falls to the ground and wipes blood off her mouth.] KEI (pant) You're good. Real good. But there's one thing I'll bet you I'm better at. KIRSTEN And what would that be? [Kei grabs a plate of food and throws it into Kirsten's face. As Kirsten wipes her face, Kei punches her in the stomach, doubling her over. Kei then follows up with a kick to the head, knocking Kirsten to the floor.] KEI FIGHTING DIRTY!! KIRSTEN GrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRAHHHHH! [Kirsten goes berserk and tackles Kei, throwing her into more plates of food on a table. The two women, too close and too angry to indulge in tactical fighting, end up in an all-out cat-fight. The entire cafeteria crowds around the fight, cheering. Most cheer for Kirsten, but a vocal minority can be heard cheering for "Cory". Hiyoko stands on a table, crying.] HIYOKO [sobbing] Stop it! Please, stop it! [The girls continue to wrestle, neither one making any progress. Suddenly, the entire crowd goes dead silent. The circle parts, and Lord Robin enters. Both Kei and Kirsten freeze.] ROBIN Oh, please don't stop on my account! KIRSTEN Rob--...L-Lord Robin, she... We were... ROBIN You were bathing in the Chicken ala King, is what it looks like. Fascinating idea. Did you get it from Cosmopolitan? [Robin notices Hiyoko, who sits curled up on a table, sniffling.] Look what you've done. There, there... [Robin takes a handerchief from his pocket and wipes Hiyoko's red eyes.] Now, have you girls worked it out, or shall we move it to the arena, where we can have some proper wagering? KIRSTEN I've had enough. She's not worth it anyway. [Kirsten picks herself up and walks over to Lord Robin and kisses him. Kei glares at both of them.] ROBIN Yummy! You should have food fights more often. Okay, folks, the party's over! [The crowd disperses, and Kirsten and Robin leave. Kei gets up and wipes at herself.] YURI Cory, you alright? KEI Only hurt my pride. I owe her one. YURI What about you, Hiyoko? HIYOKO Oh, I'll be okay. I just hate to see friends fight. [looks at Kei and laughs] Hey, I guess you'll have to hit the showers again, huh? Kind of brings the day full circle, doesn't it? Ha ha ha! KEI Ha ha... THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 4 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri join Lord Robin's crew after undergoing an "initiation" in which three assassins try to kill the girls, who are suffering from the effects of a slow-acting poison. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale". She gives them a tour of the ship, during which they learn that Lord Robin's fleet does not actually warp into orbit, but instead has the ability to enter a "mock-space", in which the fleet cannot been seen or touched. By this method the fleet can enter orbit undetected. The day ends with a confrontation between Kei and Kirsten, Robin's right-hand woman, proof of the resentment the crew feels toward the "special rookies". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to the computer room that the girls noticed earlier. Kei and Yuri stick their heads through the open entrance. Seeing no one inside, they enter the room. Yuri heads for a console.] YURI Oh, goody goody goody! [She sits down and plugs an interface plug into the socket behind her left ear. Kei keeps watch by the door.] KEI Kind of empty, isn't it? YURI [not really listening] Mm-hmm. KEI I mean, if this room is as important as I think it is, you'd think there would be a guard. YURI Mm-hmm. KEI Of course, since Lord Robin only assigns the people he trusts the most to this ship, he may feel he doesn't need a guard, or even to lock the doors for that matter. YURI Uh-huh. KEI But then that brings up the question of what *we're* doing on the... what did she call it? ...the Skinny Puppy. I mean, only the best are supposed to be here, and yet he assigned *us*. YURI Yeah. What the hell... KEI Maybe he was really impressed by our performance on Alderon. Ha! Right! We could barely hold our own. In fact, I'm not sure, but I think Lord Robin ended the fight early. YURI [to herself] This doesn't make sense... KEI You're damn straight it doesn't. Another thing that doesn't make sense is Hiyoko being here. What's she "the best" at? Annoying people? YURI God-DAMMIT!! [She slams the console with both hands. Kei walks over.] KEI Are you even listening to me? YURI This...this is crazy! I can't make head or tail out of it! KEI What the hell are you talking about? YURI This computer system! All the commands are screwed around! When I try one command, another one executes! At first I thought it was some kind of code, but it's not consistent! The same command has different results each time you perform it! Maybe it's some kind of context- sensitive code, based on what commands you've input already... KEI Or maybe the machine's broken. I never did put too much trust in those things. YURI Oh, this is hopeless! The filenames are changing, too! This is a madman's system! [Hiyoko appears in the doorway.] HIYOKO Hi, guys! Whatcha doin'? [Yuri rips the plug out of her socket so fast, she winces.] YURI Nothing! We're just, uh.... KEI Just checking out the machines! HIYOKO Why? There's nothing exciting in here, I told you that! YURI Well, we're just curious types, I guess! Ha ha! HIYOKO I know! That's why I figured you might be in here! Come on, we're going to be late for the meeting! [The three leave the room and Kei and Yuri are soon running after Hiyoko. After the three have left the vicinity, Kirsten emerges slowly from around a corner down the hall and glares after them. Cut to the auditorium. A large crowd has assembled and most of the seats are filled. The camera is manned and operating. Kei, Yuri, and Hiyoko enter and find seats near the back.] HIYOKO Darn. I hope we can see the wheel. I usually like to come early, but I was chasing after you guys. KEI Well, excuse us. HIYOKO [oblivious to the sarcasm] Oh, that's okay! I wouldn't want you to miss this! This is the biggest event on the ship! [The lights dim and flashy game show music starts up. The announcer that previously heralded Eran's destruction comes on the voice-over.] ANNOUNCER [VO] It's time once again to Spin the Wheel of Chance! And now, here he is, the man himself, Lorrrrrrd Robin! [The audience cheers as a smiling Lord Robin, holding a wireless mike, enters the stage from behind the curtain.] ROBIN Thank you, thank you! Are we all a happy little crew tonight? [The audience roars. Robin appears to get mellow.] Well, I wish I could say the same myself. You see, I have come to you tonight to tell you of a great sorrow that has befallen the galaxy. Yes, I'm talking about the heartbreaking story of lonely, boring, planets. Planets so lifeless, that when someone dies on the job, no one notices until quitting time. Planets so dull, that their national anthems have only two notes, and most performers don't bother with the second one. [Lord Robin brightens up and shouts:] BUT WE KNOW HOW TO FIX THAT, DON'T WE!!! [The audience thunders.] RAISE THE CURTAIN! [As the audience continues to cheer and clap, the curtain is raised to reveal an enormous wheel. Above the wheel is a one-line viewscreen which reads "THE WHEEL OF CHANCE". As the music starts up again, Kirsten enters in a slinky dress and poses by the wheel, which is twice as tall as she is. The crowd quiets down.] Ladies and gentlemen, your lovely hostess, Kirsten! [Cheering.] Yes, once again, it's time to learn the name of the next planet which, thanks to us, will have a little excitement and thrill tossed into its humdrum existence! So! You tell me! What do you want me to do?! AUDIENCE SPIN THE WHEEL!! SPIN THE WHEEL!! SPIN THE WHEEL!! SPIN THE WHEEL!! ROBIN You heard the folks, Kirsten! SPIN THE WHEEL!! [Kirsten slinks over to the wheel and gives it a good spin. The one-line screen at the top begins rapidly flashing the names of planets, too fast to read. The flash rate slows with the wheel and eventually stops, on "ZAEDI". Cut to Kei and Yuri in the back.] YURI Oh, no... [Cut back to the stage.] ROBIN We have a winnahhhh! Planet Zaedi, COME ON DOWN!! [The audience cheers. Lord Robin bows, gives Kirsten a kiss and the two of leave the stage as the curtain closes. Cut to the back of the auditorium again. Yuri looks upset, Kei could care less, and Hiyoko is cheering at the top of her lungs.] HIYOKO Come on, guys! There's always a big party after a spinning! Let's go! KEI Sure, why not? YURI No, I think Cory and I need to freshen up first. KEI I feel fine! [Yuri stomps on Kei's foot.] OW! Uh, yeah, right! Freshen up! We'll, um, catch you later! HIYOKO [disappointed] Okay. I'll see you there. [The Angels leave the auditorium, Kei running after Yuri.] KEI What's wrong? YURI Keep your mouth shut until we get back to our quarters! [Cut to the girls' quarters. The door slides open and Yuri and Kei enter. Yuri hits a button to lock the door.] YURI I don't think this room is bugged, but if it is, we're gonna find out now. This is the only place where we can talk and not be interrupted. KEI Yuri, what the hell is wrong? YURI What's wrong? Our plans have been all blown to hell, that's what's wrong! KEI Why? We wait until the fleet comes out of half-warp around Zaedi, activate our transmitters, sabotage the half-warp drive, the UG fleet comes and blows Lord Robin to bits! YURI Kei, don't you know where Zaedi is? KEI No, Yuri, you were the one who passed geography, remember? YURI The attacks so far have all taken place within a dozen or so parsecs of each other, so that's where the fleet is waiting. But Zaedi is practically on the other side of the galaxy! There's no way our transmitters can reach that far! [Yuri flops down on her bed.] Oh, Kei, what're we gonna do? KEI Hmm. Maybe we could...wait 'til the fleet warps into the Zaedi system, steal a shuttle, get to the planet before the rest of the fleet, tell the government who we are and get them to boost the signal. [pause] YURI Okay. KEI Okay? That's the type of plan you always tell me is stupid! YURI It *is* stupid, but I can't think of anything better. [Yuri stands up.] Come on, let's go to that party. I could use a drink. KEI You're on. [Yuri unlocks the door and it opens to reveal a sad-faced Hiyoko.] YURI Huh? How long have you been standing there? HIYOKO I thought something was wrong, so I came to talk, but I thought I heard you arguing, so I waited. KEI Well, we're gonna go to the party after all. You coming? [Hiyoko immediately brightens up.] HIYOKO Great! I knew you'd change your mind! Come on! [Hiyoko runs off and the Angels chase after her. The scene fades to later at the same place, as Hiyoko, Yuri, and Kei are returning to their rooms. The three girls are giggling and weaving a little as they walk.] HIYOKO So that's what it means to "shotgun a beer"! I always wondered! YURI Lady, you are lookin' at the master of the art ri' here! [Yuri slaps Kei on the back, who belches.] KEI Hey! Cuddit out! YURI Where was your boyfriend, H'yoko? I didn't see him there. HIYOKO Oh, Tony's not much for these big parties. I always visit him later and we sort of have a private party. (giggle) That's why I didn't drink that much. So... You two going to bed? KEI I dunno. Sorta thought I'd puke first! HAHAHA-hicark! YURI Good nigh', H'yoko! Tell that loverboy I'm thinking of him! HIYOKO What, the one who tried to pinch your butt? YURI No, the other one! The one I sneezed my drink all over. HIYOKO Ha ha! G'night, Percy! G'night, Cory! KEI Bye-bye! [The girls enter their room and close the door. Hiyoko walks to her room.] HIYOKO [sing-song] Someone's gonna have a haaaangover! [The door to Hiyoko's room opens. Kirsten is waiting inside, sitting on Hiyoko's bed.] Oh! You startled me! Hi! KIRSTEN Hi, Hiyoko. Close the door. We have to talk. HIYOKO Uh, sure! [Hiyoko pushes a button. The door slides closed and locks with a beep.] What do you want to talk about? KIRSTEN Cory and Percy. I want you to tell me everything you know about them. HIYOKO Well... They're nice girls. And they're lots of fun at parties. And, uh, Cory's a good fighter. Oh, I guess you know that last one. [pause] KIRSTEN Is that all? HIYOKO Well, I can't really think of anything else... KIRSTEN What have they been doing since they came on board? HIYOKO I don't know. Same as everyone else, I guess. KIRSTEN (sigh) How many times have I told you, you have to learn to be more attentive? If you would just pay more attention to what your eyes and ears tell you, we wouldn't have to go through this again. HIYOKO Go through wha--? No. No, I don't want to! [Kirsten gets up and approaches Hiyoko, who starts crying and sinks to her knees.] NO! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO! I DON'T WANT TOOOOOO! KIRSTEN Don't be such a baby. You know it doesn't hurt. [Cut to view from outside the room. Hiyoko can be heard from behind the door.] HIYOKO NOOOOOOOOOOOO-- [Her screaming stops abruptly. Cut to a view of the shuttle bay. Shuttles are parked in various positions, and one is being worked on by a mechanic. Cut to an entrance into the bay. Kei and Yuri wait just beyond.] KEI They sure are taking their sweet time! YURI Relax. It should happen any moment nowwwwww.... [The scene blurs slightly, then comes back into focus.] That was it! The final warp! We should be in the Zaedi system now. KEI Unless you counted wrong, in which case we're going to shuttle ourselves into deep space. YURI My, aren't we optimistic! This *was* your plan, you know. KEI I know, I know. C'mon, it's showtime! [All smiles, the girls walk out and approach the mechanic.] YURI [brightly] Hello there! Nice shuttle! That's one of those Shooting Star models, isn't it? MECHANIC [looking up] Uh...yeah. Is there something I can do for you? KEI Yeah! Could we like, borrow one? Of the shuttles, I mean? MECHANIC You need to go somewhere? Far as I know, we aren't in orbit yet, and even if we were, trips downside are verboten. YURI We need to meet a friend on another ship, see, and-- MECHANIC Shuttles leave for the rest of the fleet every hour. KEI Yeah, but we sorta thought it would be more exciting to fly our own! And we like excitement, if you...get my drift. [pause. The mechanic smiles.] MECHANIC Would either of you ladies happen to be free for dinner tonight? KEI We might be... MECHANIC What the hell! But you can't take this one, it has problems. [The mechanic leads them to another shuttle and opens the door for them.] You ever fly one of these before? KEI Sure! MECHANIC Out of this bay? [The girls stare at him.] Didn't think so. Okay, take off and hover near that circular hatch in the ceiling. I'll activate a force-field that seals off the top third of the deck, depressurize it and open the hatch. Got it? YURI We can handle it. Thank you so much! [The girls blow kisses at him.] [Cut to a close view of the top of the Skinny Puppy, which exists in the orange-white mock-space. A small hole opens and the Angels' shuttle comes out. Cut to interior, where Kei is piloting.] KEI Yucch! Why couldn't we have just cold-cocked him? Or killed him? YURI Because-- KEI I know! I know! Because it would set Lord Robin on our tail too fast! Just griping, you know. Hmm. Hiyoko said all we have to do is fly far enough away from the Puppy. I hope she's right. [The shuttle's engines flare briefly and it accelerates away from the huge ship behind it. Inside, Kei and Yuri notice the view start to shimmer.] YURI Something's happening... [The view flashes brightly, then fades to ordinary black with stars. No planet can be seen.] KEI Oh, shit. Where's Zaedi? Oh, god, we're stranded! YURI No we aren't. Look behind you! [Behind the shuttle, Lord Robin's fleet is nowhere to be found, but Zaedi can be seen, looking slightly smaller than a dime.] KEI Okay, then! Full burn, and we might just make it in time! [The shuttle turns around and blasts its engines, accelerating towards Zaedi. Cut back to shuttlebay. The hatch closes as the mechanic chuckles to himself. A hand taps him on the back.] CLAUDE Hello there! Nice shuttle! [Claude knocks him out.] [Cut back to the shuttle. Kei and Yuri have half dozed off and are awakened by the shuttle's radio.] RADIO Unidentified shuttle! This is Zaedi Space Control! Respond! Unidentified shut-- [Kei hits a switch.] KEI Zaedi Control! This is the shuttle! We need clearance to land! RADIO Shuttle, we do *not* have you on our records! State origin, purpose, and registration! KEI I don't know the registration! We have urgent business with the planetary government. As for our origin, well, that's sort of the business. RADIO I don't have time for this. You will proceed to a standard orbit and await further instructions. KEI We don't have time to wait! We need to talk with the planetary leaders, NOW! RADIO You will wait in orbit or risk being shot down! Is that understood? YURI [to Kei] Um, did I forget to mention that Zaedi's a little paranoid about outsiders? KEI [sarcastic] Gee, no, Yuri! It must have just slipped your mind! [to the radio:] Listen, mister! Loroffbimph? [Yuri claps a hand over Kei's mouth.] YURI [whispering] Kei! What if the fleet can listen in? KEI Oh yeah. Alright, jerk, you win. We'll wait in orbit. [Kei fiddles with the controls.] Then again, maybe we won't. RADIO & YURI WHAT?! KEI We're, uh, heh heh, out of fuel! I must've left it on full burn for too long. Looks like we're coming down whether you like it or not! RADIO You will do *no such thing*! You will proceed to standard orbit! KEI We have no engines, you moron! How are we supposed to get to standard orbit? Flap our arms? RADIO If you enter the atmosphere, you will be shot down! KEI You don't need to shoot us down! We're doing fine on our own! [Yuri reaches over and shuts off the radio.] YURI Sorry. You were only making things worse. KEI I'd better turn on the heat shield. [The shuttle hits the atmosphere with a sizeable jolt, and the ride gets bumpy.] They wouldn't really shoot us down, would they? [Cut to an airbase. "SCRAMBLE" signs flash and sirens go off. Pilots run around and get into their craft. Cut back to the shuttle.] KEI I mean, we're unarmed. We hardly pose a threat... [Cut back to the airbase. Seven jet-fighters take off and head into the sky. Cut back to the shuttle.] KEI Naah. They'd most likely take us into custody. Which is where we wanna be, right? [pause, Yuri stares out the window.] Yuri? Something wrong? YURI Yeah. That! [The fighters are heading toward the shuttle. They fire missles.] KEI & YURI SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!! [They scramble for something behind the pilot seats. Seconds later, the missles strike their target and blow it into a million pieces.] THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 5 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. Yuri attempts to break into Lord Robin's computer system, but can't get past the crazy way the system is designed. Bad luck strikes when the next planet chosen for destruction is Zaedi, a planet on the far side of the galaxy from where the previous attacks took place. The girls' transmitters cannot possible reach the fleet from this distance. The Angels appropriate a shuttle and attempt to beat Lord Robin's fleet to the planet, but the paranoid Zaedi military destroys their shuttle when they enter the atmosphere. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [As the chunks of debris fall to the ground, one of the larger pieces puts out a parachute. The escape pod drifts for awhile, finally landing in a large city, in a fountain in the city square. As it lands, a hovertruck arrives at breakneck speed, opens, and disgorges about a dozen heavily armed police who surround the fountain. The hatch on the pod opens and Kei and Yuri can be heard from inside the pod.] KEI Oof! Dammit, I'm upside down! YURI Hey! Watch the hair! [Kei's head pops out of the hatch. She notices the company.] KEI Oh! How nice! They've sent a welcoming party. YURI [still inside the pod] Tell them we need to talk to the government! KEI Uh... Take me to your leader? [Cut: Kei and Yuri are in the back of a high-tech paddy wagon, hands cuffed behind their backs with large, heavy, one-piece cuffs. The driver and his partner can be seen through a transparent panel. Kei is having a fit, but Yuri seems oddly calm.] KEI You know, you're making a big mistake! DRIVER Um-hum. KEI We're 3WA!! DRIVER Then where's your ID? KEI I said we're undercover, you morons! DRIVER [to his partner] Gee, Brent, waddya you think? Strip search? BRENT Coolness... [Kei starts writhing, trying to get out of the cuffs.] KEI YOU GOD-DAMN-STUPID-LOUSY-SHIT-BASTARD-CREEP-STINKING--! [The truck stops suddenly throwing Kei and Yuri against the transparent panel. Several cars ahead, a bag woman in a hooded bathrobe is pushing a cart down the middle of the narrow road, whistling and weaving.] DRIVER [out of the window] Hey! Move it! [He blows the horn with no effect. The driver gets out and approaches the woman.] C'mon! You're holdin' up the traffic! [As he grabs the woman's arm, she wheels and shoves a knife into his chest. The driver chokes up blood and collapses. The woman then removes the robe, revealing herself to be Jenna.] BRENT Holy shit! [Brent pulls a gun and leaps from the cabin.] Hold it! Don't move! I swear I'll blow you the hell away! [Walking along the side of the road is Spooky, wearing a cap. He stares at Brent, eyes glowing.] HUH? YYYERAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! [Blood explodes from Brent's eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. He falls forward.] KEI WOW!! Did you see that?! [Yuri gets a hand free.] YURI HA! I *knew* I could do it! It pays to have skinny wrists! [Quickly, Yuri gets her other hand free, then removes an earring.] I hope this thing is as sharp as Kueblestein said it was... [Using the earring, Yuri scores an "X" in the transparent panel, then begins to batter at the center of the "X" with the cuffs.] KEI That's weird. They aren't heading for the truck. Thought they'd want to steal it. [The back doors of the truck are ripped off their hinges, revealing Claude.] CLAUDE We have our own transportation, thank you very much. And *our* shuttle is armed. KEI SHIT! OUTTA THE WAY! [Kei pushes Yuri away and kicks at the panel. It breaks on the third try. Yuri throws the cuffs at Claude and hits him in the face, making him curse. She then whips off her chain belt with the weight at the end and begins whipping him in the face with it.] CLAUDE Dammit, girl! You're pissing me off! [Kei scrambles through the hole and gets in the driver's seat. Claude catches the chain and rips it out of Yuri's hand. Kei stomps on the accelerator and both Yuri and Claude go flying toward the open back. Yuri grabs a railing, and Claude grabs Yuri's leg, leaving him dangling half outside. Yuri screams and starts kicking him in the face with her other leg.] KEI Hold on! [Kei grabs the shift with her teeth, throws it into reverse, and slams on the gas again. Other cars careen out of the way.] CLAUDE Oh, SHIT! [Claude is crushed up against a building, which actually causes more damage to the truck than to him, but does get him to let go.] KEI Yuri! Get your butt up here and take over! [Yuri crawls into the driver's seat. She jumps the truck over the center of the road, causing several accidents and begins to drive off. Jenna takes the blade ring off her belt and throws it. It makes a deep gash near the bottom of the truck, then returns to her. She walks over to Claude.] JENNA Hey, you OK? CLAUDE [dusting himself off] I feel like a damn fool, but other than that, I'm fine. Hey, Spooks! You got a fix? JENNA No rush. They'll be on foot soon. [Cut to Kei and Yuri, driving down the highway at great speed.] KEI So. *Now* what the hell do we do? YURI Don't ask me! This was *your* plan, remember? KEI Yeah, well, my plan called for a little cooperation on the side of the locals. Hmm... I don't suppose they have a hyperspace 3V station on Zaedi? YURI [sarcastically] Sure! We'll just storm in, take the place by force, and broadcast the coordinates during the soap operas. KEI That's what I like about you. Always so helpful. [Yuri runs a light and barely misses several cars.] YIII! Dammit! One of these days, you have *got* to learn how to drive! YURI Oh, no... Why me? KEI What's wrong *now*? YURI NO BRAKES!! [The hovertruck curves wildly off the main highway and onto a smaller road, sending traffic into buildings, posts, pedestrians. The truck continues at breakneck speed, swerving wildly between lanes.] KEI Take your foot off the gas! YURI I have! This is a hovertruck! It'll coast forever! [The truck speeds toward an intersection, which is blocked by a huge cargo truck. Kei and Yuri scream. Yuri turns at the last instant, going down the wrong side of the road while the cargo truck swerves and plows into a fuel station, which explodes in a brilliant fireball. Yuri throws the truck onto yet an even smaller side-street with little traffic.] KEI Wait! I've got an idea! This thing won't coast if I turn it off! YURI KEI, NO--!!! [Kei leans back and kicks the ignition, sending it to the "off" position. The truck drops to the ground and skids, sending a shower of sparks behind it, then bounces and starts to flip and roll. Battered and crushed, the truck comes to rest in a deserted area. A teenage boy with short, curly, blonde hair walks up to the crash and looks inside at the two unconscious girls.] BOY No WAY! [The boy takes another look.] This is most excellent. Utterly bodiacious! [He calls to an unseen friend.] Dude, get over here! You are NOT going to believe this! [Cut to a bedroom. Kei and Yuri are together in a twin bed, covered by a sheet. Yuri wakes up and shakes Kei, who is no longer handcuffed.] YURI Hey. Wake up. KEI Mrmfle? Where are we? YURI Beats the hell out of me. Waking up in a strange room seems to be par for the course after fighting those guys. KEI What the--?! Is that *us* all over the walls? [The girls look at the walls, which are covered with photos of the Lovely Angels, official pictures, shots of them in action, plus pictures taken of them in civilian clothes. Along with the pictures are news clippings: "DIRTY PAIR SPOTTED JUST PRIOR TO LYRA DISASTER", "WWWA: `NO COMMENT' ON POSSIBLE NOLANDIA/DIRTY PAIR CONNECTION", "VIZORIUM BUST LEAVES 500,000 DEAD", etc.] YURI I don't know whether to be flattered or furious... [Kei flops back on the bed.] KEI I don't care anymore. After what we've been through, I don't think I can *be* surprised anymore. At least whoever it was was nice enough to take my cuffs off. [Kei props herself on one arm.] Hey, Yuri, is that Spooky guy a telepath? YURI I guess so. It would explain how that guy was killed, and also how they found us so easily the first time we fought them. Found us *twice*... KEI So why didn't he do that to us? YURI Maybe he couldn't see us in the truck. Or maybe they want us alive. KEI No, I mean the first time. When they definitely wanted us dead. YURI Oh. Gee, I don't know. You've got a point. KEI [sitting up] Maybe it has something to do with those freaky powers the higher-ups keep insisting we have-- [Kei eyes go wide.] Ohmigod. I'm naked. YURI What? [Yuri peeks under her sheet, then tugs it closer.] Eep! [Voices can be from behind the bedroom door.] BOY Now, remember, dude, it's "Lovely Angels", not "Dirty Pair". Calling them "the Dirty Pair" will elicit a majorly bogus reaction! OTHER BOY Will, dude! I'm on it! [The two boys enter: the boy with the short, curly, blonde hair, and a taller boy with shaggy black hair. The boys enter and put on an overacting display of coolness.] WILL (BOY) Ladies! I hope you're comfortable! Allow me to introduce myself. [Yuri yelps and pulls the sheet around her, partially exposing Kei.] I am the one and only Will S. Boston, Esq., and this excellent dude... [Kei yells and pulls the sheet back, partially showing Yuri.] ...is Theo Legan. THEO (OTHER BOY) Hi! [Kei and Yuri start a tug-of-war over the sheet.] WILL We are the charter members of the Lovely Angels Fan Club, a most excellent organization... [Kei and Yuri manage to wrap the sheet around both of them.] ...dedicated to spreading the word of the two most incredibly triumphant babes ever to hold a gun. KEI [muttering] Kill... YURI Lovely Angels...FAN CLUB?? WILL Well, we're just starting out. The membership's kinda small right now... THEO Just the two of us. WILL ...but we're planning a major convention. You two would be our most triumphant guests of honor, of course. THEO Would you like a copy of our newsletter? KEI [through clenched teeth] No, I'd like some CLOTHES!! WILL Oh, right! Dude! Fetch our guests' outfits! [Theo runs out of the room.] YURI Do you mind explaining why you undressed us? WILL Well, we like, *did* find you in a car wreck. We just had to make sure you were okay! It was, like, our civic duty, y'know? And Theo said he thought you looked like you were on the run from someone, so it would be, like major bad news to take you to a hospital. [Theo runs back in with two folded sets of clothes.] YURI You didn't do anything...else, did you? WILL Ladies! You wound me! Gentlemen of our calibre would never stoop to such heinous deeds. THEO Yeah! We didn't take any pictures of you--OW! [Will elbows him.] WILL I trust your clothes are satisfactory? [Still hugging the sheet with one hand, the girls unfold the clothes: WWWA female trouble consultant uniforms.] YURI These are real! How did you get ahold of these? KEI Who cares? Get the hell out of here, boys! YURI No, Kei, we can't wear these. We'll blow our cover. KEI What? I think our cover's *been* blown! Or haven't you noticed that people are trying to kill us?! THEO This is so bodacious... KEI & YURI Shut up! THEO No prob! YURI Look, I can't put my finger on it, but something just doesn't make sense. Well... Like, look at the equipment they used! Lord Robin's got high-tech to spare. Why not give Jenna or Claude something to just blow up the truck, or knock everyone in it unconscious? KEI I don't know! I don't care! I just want out of here! If that Spooky's a telepath, he'll probably be able to trace us now that we're awake. It's just a matter of time. YURI Oh, boys? WILL & THEO Yes?! YURI Could we please have our old clothes? WILL Uh, well, see... Theo sort of got a little overenthusiastic and like-- THEO Dude, like it wasn't all *my* fault. I only undressed one! WILL Well, they're sorta like ripped. Real bad. Like in half. KEI [barely controlling herself] I don't suppose you have anything *else* we could wear? THEO Well, nothin' that would fit. YURI Then could you go to a store and buy us something? WILL There's a store down the road! THEO No way, dude! I'm not buyin' women's clothes! That would mean like underwear and stuff, right? No way! Utterly bogus! YURI [trying to be charming] Tell you what. You go buy us new outfits, something close to what we were wearing before, and we'll let you help us in a Lovely Angels Adventure! [The boys eyes widen. So do Kei's.] WILL & THEO NO WAY!!! YURI Yes way! WILL Theo, there comes a time in one's life when a most triumphant opportunity presents itself and cannot be ignored. What do you say, dude? THEO Throw in autographs and you've got a deal! YURI No prob! WILL & THEO EX--CELLENT! THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 6 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. The Pair are distressed when the next planet to be chosen is Zaedi, a colony so far away from the UG fleet that the girls' transmitters can't possibly reach it. They appropriate a shuttle and reach Zaedi ahead of Lord Robin's fleet, only to have the paranoid Zaedi military shoot down their shuttle and take them into custody. The three assassins who tried to kill the girls during their initiation follow them to the planet and attack and kill their captors. Kei and Yuri barely escape capture by the assassins, making their escape in the paddy wagon. Unfortunately, one assassin damages the truck, causing Yuri to lose control and smash into a wall. The unconscious Angels are discovered by two teenage boys who claim to be their fan club. With autographs as an inducement, Yuri convinces the boys to help them escape. --------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to an alley that empties onto an average-sized road. It is the early evening. Kei, Will, and Theo wait in the shadows while Yuri keeps an eye on the road.] THEO Are you sure this is gonna work? KEI A variation of it worked for the people who nailed us. YURI Here comes a good one! Get ready! WILL [to Theo] Dude, you're on! THEO This doesn't seem as excellent an idea now that I think about it... [A truck begins to drive up.] Nope, no way dude! I've changed my mind! This is bogus! KEI Break a leg, kid! [Kei pushes Theo into the street. He yells and falls in front in of the truck, which screeches to a halt less than a meter away. The driver bolts out of the truck.] DRIVER Holy shit! Hey, kid! Kid, are you okay?! [Theo looks at the Angels, who make "go on" motions with their hands. He then puts on a great show of agony.] THEO Dude! Like, major pain! Internal injuries! Ah! Ah! [Will comes running out.] WILL Oh, god! Theo! Oh, no! What happened to you! This is most non-triumphant! This is heinous! [He looks at the driver.] You! You struck down this fine young man in the prime of his life! You-- you WEENIE! DRIVER Waaaaait a minute... He's not hurt. THEO Will? Will, dude, is that you? WILL Yes, Theo, it's me. You have to hang on! [The driver whistles and a huge man gets out of the truck and lumbers over.] THEO Will, dude, there's like this light, and, and I can hear angels, and they're like playin' these *bitchin'* guitar riffs... WILL [to the driver] I hope you're satisfied! This upstanding young citizen having to die in the street like a dog! If I were you, dude, I'd get myself a good lawyer. [The big guy lifts Will in the air by his shirt collar, choking him.] Or a big, burly guy with an attitude. That'll work. DRIVER All right, you little shit. What's your game? Who hired you? WILL They did. DRIVER "They" who? WILL The two girls that are stealing your truck. [The big man drops Will and turns around.] DRIVER What?! [Will and Theo run for it as the two men produce guns and start firing at the truck, which turns a corner and disappears. Cut to interior of the truck, which has pulled onto a highway. Yuri is driving.] YURI See, now that wasn't so bad, was it? We got ourselves some nifty transportation, all for the price of our signatures! KEI Yeah. 'Course, I would like know how they got that picture of us at a topless beach... Hey! If I'm not mistaken, those guys were shooting at us when we left. Maybe there's something interesting in the back! Mind if I have a look? YURI Sure! I can handle things up here. [Kei walks into the hold through a small door. The next thing she says is in the voice of a small child after being told that Christmas starts tomorrow and lasts a month.] KEI [from the hold] OH!!! YURI What's wrong? KEI [from the hold] Nothing's wrong! It's WONDERFUL! Oh BOY!! [A car pulls up beside Yuri. It is driven by Claude, while Jenna and Spooky sit next to him. Jenna waves hello, then pulls out a large gun.] YURI Uh, Kei? [Yuri ducks as Jenna fires. To everyone's surprise, the blast bounces off the window harmlessly.] Kei? You might wanna get up here! KEI [from the hold] Why? [Claude swerves and begins to ram Yuri's truck, attempting to force it off the road.] Oh! Are we being rammed? YURI You might say that! KEI [from the hold] Here! Give them this! [Kei's arm comes out of the hold and hands Yuri a beeping grenade.] YURI WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! [Panicked, Yuri opens the window and tosses the grenade into the assassins' car. The three assassins bobble the grenade between them, then veer off and leap from the car just as it goes up in a terrific explosion. Kei and Yuri drive away. They park the truck in a deserted area and examine the hold, which is full of weapons. Like children in a candy store, they go through their haul.] KEI Pulse cannons, fragmentation grenades, land mines, seeker missles! Look at it all! Those guys must've been illegal arms merchants! [Yuri examines a small, shiny gun with affection.] YURI Smith and Wesson Series 17 Pulse Pistol. Accurate to 1500 meters. [She holds the gun to her side.] What do you think, Kei? Would this look nice in my holster? KEI Oh, you're always so concerned about appearance. Now *this* is a gun! [Kei hefts a mammoth machine gun. It is about as long as she is tall and fires bullets the length of a man's hand.] Can we keep it? Please-please-please? YURI Well, we should probably take care of our little assassin problem before we try the authorities again. And that telepath will most likely find us soon... KEI Oh, BOY!!! I haven't been this excited since my last date! YURI When was that? KEI Don't ruin it. [Cut to what appears to be a warehouse district. The area is deserted, save for Jenna, Claude, and Spooky, who slowly search the area with guns drawn. Jenna looks inquiringly at Spooky, who points ahead. Jenna nods and the three move forward. They are interrupted by shouts from their left.] KEI Hi, guys! [The three assassins whirl about, and see Kei and Yuri standing in the open in front of one of the warehouses.] YURI Where have you been? We've been waiting for you! We thought maybe we could talk this problem out like sensible people. KEI Yeah, why don't you come over here and we'll have a nice long chat! [Jenna looks at Claude, who nods.] JENNA Yeah, right. [Jenna and Claude pull up their guns and fire. The blasts hit an invisible screen in front of the Angels, which starts to glow and hum.] CLAUDE RUN FOR IT!! [A powerful, directional concussion blast emits from the screen. Jenna and Spooky run in one direction, Claude in the other. Jenna gets far enough away that the blast merely knocks her off her feet, but she loses her gun as she hits the ground. Claude, being not as fast, is sent flying through the air.] KEI That was AWESOME! I always wanted to try one of those! YURI Yeah. Too bad we couldn't convince them to walk through those land mines, though. You wanna take Claude? KEI You read my mind! [Jenna grabs her gun and jumps to her feet. A moment later the gun is shot out of her hand. Yuri stands there, holding her new pulse pistol on Jenna.] YURI Don't move. JENNA (laughs) God, you're stupid. [Jenna takes a couple of running steps toward Yuri. As Yuri fires, Jenna springs into a backflip, causing Yuri to miss. Jenna does two more flips, then in one fluid motion, takes her blade ring off her belt and throws it. Yuri's gun flies out of her hand in two pieces.] YURI OW! [Yuri looks at her hand. It is bleeding.] Dammit, I'm getting sick of that thing! JENNA Makes us even. I've been sick of you since I first laid eyes on you. Hold still, now... [Jenna once again throws the ring, but Yuri, with a perfectly timed move, catches it.] Wha--? [Cut to Claude, who is desperately searching for something.] CLAUDE Gun. Gun. Dammit, where's my gun?! KEI Gun? You mean one of *these*? [Claude turns around. Kei is holding the mammoth machine gun. It roars as she fires it, and Claude is rapidly pushed backwards toward a wall.] Waddya think of the "cute redhead" *now*, cyborg?! Huh?! HUH?!! [The gun runs out of ammunition. Claude collapses in a heap.] (pant) Guess I showed you, huh? (pant) You--you stupid bucket of bolts! [Claude springs to his feet. He is leaking fluid from several holes on his body, but otherwise seems undamaged.] CLAUDE Oh, yeah! Heh-heh! You sure showed me all right! Got anything else you'd like to shoot me with? [Kei's eyes go wide and her jaw drops, as well as her gun. Claude takes one look at her facial expression and bursts into laughter.] HAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God! The look-HAHAHAHAHA-the look on your face! It's PRICELESS! HAHAHAHAHA! [Kei's face turns red. With a look of death on her face, she unslings a compact grenade launcher from her back and centers the crosshairs right on Claude's laughing mouth. She fires.] CLAUDE HAHAHAHA-HRUK! [The grenade hits Claude right in his open mouth and knocks him back five meters. He lands on his back with the grenade lodged inside his mouth and tries to work it free. Kei walks up, holding a pistol.] KEI Well well well. Looks like it didn't go off. [She aims the pistol.] CLAUDE NUH! NUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Claude tries to get to his feet, but Kei fires and Claude's head vanishes in a brilliant explosion. Cut to Yuri and Jenna, who hears the explosion.] JENNA CLAUDE!! [Seeing Jenna distracted, Yuri winds up and throws the blade ring at her, but misses. Jenna rushes her.] Last mistake you'll ever make, BITCH!! [The blade ring returns and hits Jenna in the back of the neck, slicing off her head. Yuri catches the ring again.] YURI HA! [She looks at the blade ring, dripping with blood.] EEYUGHK! [She drops it. Kei comes running over.] KEI I took care of mine! How about y-- wow. Guess you don't need my help. YURI Where's the last one? KEI Dunno. Haven't seen him since we separated them. [The girls look around.] Wait! Inside that building! [Sure enough, inside one of the taller warehouses can be seen a human shadow. The Angels head inside.] YURI There you are! We've been looking for you! [As soon as Spooky sees the girls, he bolts up the steps.] KEI Don't be stupid! You can only run so far in that direction! [Cut to roof. Spooky emerges from a door and frantically searches for somewhere to hide. Kei appears moments later, gun ready, followed by Yuri. Spooky shakes his head and waves his hands, backing up to the edge of the roof.] KEI I don't get this. You're the big scary telepath, why don't you just blow our minds like you did with that cop? You can't, can you? [Kei raises her gun.] Come with us or die. Your choice. [Spooky's eyes glow, and the ground under Kei's feet seems to ripple and flow. Kei staggers and fires wildly. One of the shots hits the roof under Spooky's feet and it crumbles. Spooky falls to his death, mouth open in a silent scream.] Wha--? Where'd he go? Did I lose him? YURI Sort of. [Cut to the front of the building. Kei and Yuri exit.] KEI So, what we do now? OFFICER Well, for starters, you're going to throw down your weapons. [The Angels look around. They are surrounded by at least fifty armed SWAT troops and five tanks.] KEI Great! You're just the people we want to talk to! YURI Your planet's in great danger! OFFICER Damn straight! But once we get you two in a prison, it'll be a whole lot safer! YURI No, you don't understand-- OFFICER What's not to understand? Piloting an illegal shuttle, escaping custody, illegal arms dealing, murder, all in a few hours! Hell, if it was someone else's planet, I'd admire you! KEI Dammit, listen to us! OFFICER [to the troops] Men, if they give you any trouble, if they so much as look at you funny, shred them. [A low-flying shuttle moves overhead.] Huh? What's this? [A pulse beam shoots from the shuttle and destroys a tank, causing panic. Further shots reduce the number of troops as well as tanks. The shuttle descends and hovers, and Hiyoko sticks her head out the window.] HIYOKO Cory! Percy! Come on! [Kei and Yuri get in the back seat and the shuttle takes off, dodging shots from the one remaining tank. Cut to interior of the shuttle. A driver in chauffeur's dress pilots the shuttle into the air.] HIYOKO Boy oh boy, am I glad I found you! I was worried sick! Don't you silly girls know what's going to happen to this place in an hour? YURI I, uh, guess we were just being impulsive. KEI How did you find us? HIYOKO Oh, that was easy! We just listened for the most violence, gunfire and explosions! Ha ha! You sure do like action, don't you! YURI Uh, yeah. Does Lord Robin know you went looking for us? HIYOKO Hahahahahahaha! Oh, you are so *funny*! Heeheehee! KEI Um, right, whatever. It was, uh, nice of him to let you come pick us up. I was sort of afraid he'd be mad. [The driver turns around. It's Lord Robin.] ROBIN I *am* a little mad. I just don't believe in training a dog with a flamethrower. Sort of misses the point, if you catch my gist, hmm? [Kei and Yuri are speechless.] Aren't you even going to say "hi" to your dear old Uncle Robin? I'm hurt. YURI Hi? ROBIN That's better! [He turns around.] KEI So, you... know what we've been up to? ROBIN Having a little fun on a dying world? Stealing yourselves new wardrobes? Of course! You think you're the first rookies to try something like that? Not very original. [A sensor on the control panel starts beeping.] Ohhhhhh, goody! They're sending us more playmates! Hiyoko, would you like to man the weapons this time? HIYOKO (Gasp!) Can I?! Oh thank you thank you thank you! [Three jet fighters hurtle toward the shuttle. Robin turns the shuttle tightly and heads back toward the fighters, flattening Kei and Yuri against the hull in the process. The fighters open fire, but Robin weaves the shuttle crazily, dodging the blasts.] ROBIN YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA!! Take 'em, Hiyoko! [Hiyoko take hold of the weapon controls and begins firing the pulse cannons. One jet takes multiple hits and explodes. The other two escape unharmed. One circles back and fixes on the shuttle's tail.] HIYOKO Oh, no! I think that one's got a missle lock on us! I'll use that aft thingy. [A pulse cannon mounted on the rear of the shuttle destroys the tailing craft.] ROBIN You know, aft-mounted cannons make sooo much sense, it's a wonder they haven't caught on yet. [The third jet decides to quit fooling around and launches its entire load of seeker missles. They leave trails as they curve through the air, homing in on their target.] Seeker missles are so popular, but you know what the big problem with them is? [Robin's shuttle accelerates and maintains a constant distance between it and the missles.] If you make the mistake of firing them on a craft that can exactly match their velocity, you're screwed. For example. [Robin leads the missles back toward the last remaining jet. The pilot figures out what Robin is about to do and tries to escape, but the shuttle is faster. Robin flies the shuttle almost up the jet's tailpipe then pulls up. The missles strike the jet and destroy it. Hiyoko claps her hands and squeals with delight.] HIYOKO YEAH!! We did it! Cory, Percy, wasn't that *awesome*! [Kei and Yuri both look like they've gone on one too many roller- coasters.] KEI Just... YURI ...great... ROBIN Hold on to your last meal, ladies, I'm about to kick in the boosters! [A brilliant blast shoots from the engines and the shuttle accelerates to escape velocity. Moments later, the ship reaches orbit, which seems abandoned except for the shuttle.] YURI Lord Robin, if you don't mind my asking, what's going to happen to us? ROBIN Hmm. Perhaps I'll... BOIL YOU IN OIL! RIP OUT YOUR TOENAILS! SHOVE RED- HOT METAL RODS UP YOUR NOSE! MU-HU-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! [Robin makes an "evil bogeyman" face, then breaks up laughing.] HIYOKO Come *on*, guys! What do you think Robin is? Some kinda monster? KEI Then we aren't going to be punished? ROBIN Of course you're going to be punished! I'm afraid you'll have to sit out the festivities. Ah, we've arrived. [Robin manipulates some controls. Space turns orange and the Skinny Puppy is suddenly in front of them, while behind them, Zaedi vanishes.] YURI You've never really explained to us what our duties are. ROBIN Well, since you're not going to be performing them this time, don't worry about it. [Cut to the Puppy's shuttle bay. The shuttle enters through the ceiling port and lands. As Robin gets out, Kirsten comes running up and embraces him.] KIRSTEN ROBIN! Thank god you're alright! I've been so worried ever since I heard you were going down yourself! Oh, darling, why do you take such risks? I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. [Robin cranes his head to look at Kei and Yuri.] ROBIN Cory, Percy, go to your quarters and clean yourself up. You scoot too, Hiyoko. HIYOKO Yes, sir. [The three girls leave. Robin gently pushes Kirsten away and looks into her eyes.] ROBIN Kirsten. Darling. My love... Someone seems to think that just because she's my lover she can do whatever she damn well pleases. [Robin pauses, and his expression turns extremely unfriendly.] If you value your face, don't ever try something like that again. [Cut to Kei and Yuri. They look out a window as Lord Robin's "festivities" begin. The view outside shimmers and changes from swirling orange to a view of Zaedi from orbit.] KEI There's nothing we can do, is there? [Yuri points.] YURI Looks like this planet is going to put up a fight. [Missles zoom toward the fleet, but all are destroyed by lasers before they reach their target.] KEI For all the good it did them. [The ship starts to hum and vibrate.] Here it goes... [Yuri turns around.] YURI Oh, I can't watch this. [The giant pulse cannons do their work, blasting the surface of Zaedi to rubble.] KEI It was a crummy planet. I doubt anyone will miss it. YURI How can you say that? Aren't you forgetting something?! KEI What? Oh. Right... I hope they don't suffer. [Cut to Will and Theo's place on the surface. Theo looks out the window and watches the approaching explosions.] WILL Dude! What's happening? THEO Looks like the planet's bein' blown up, dude. [Will and Theo look at each other.] WILL & THEO EX--CELLENT!! THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 7 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. The Pair are distressed when the next planet to be chosen is Zaedi, a colony so far away from the UG fleet that the girls' transmitters can't possibly reach it. They appropriate a shuttle and reach Zaedi ahead of Lord Robin's fleet, only to have the paranoid Zaedi military shoot down their shuttle and take them into custody. The three assassins who tried to kill the girls during their initiation follow them to the planet and attack and kill their captors. Kei and Yuri escape and then kill the assassins with the help of two teenage boys that claim to be their fan club. The Angels then find themselves under attack by the Zaedi military and are forced to accept a rescue by Lord Robin himself, who apparently has no idea what they were up to. Kei and Yuri watch as Zaedi is destroyed, angry at their failure. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to the fleet as it leaves the Zaedi system, once again in the orange swirling mock-space. Yuri walks the corridors of the Skinny Puppy. She has just taken a shower and is walking back to her quarters. She pushes the button and the door slides open, letting out the sounds of a man and a woman engaged in recreational activities.] YURI Oh! Sorry! Wrong room! [She closes the door again.] Morons. They do have locks, you know. Great. So which room is mine? [She walks up and down trying doors, but none will open for her.] Aw, hell, I'm lost. Maybe I can find my way back to the showers and try again. [Cut to another part of the ship. Yuri walks by, then sits down.] Shit. Now I'm *really* lost. Where the heck *is* everybody, anyway? I mean, I know it's the "night cycle" or whatever, but this is ridiculous. [Yuri sits awhile, then she hears music. She gets up.] Hmm. Music. Where there's music, there's people. [Yuri walks to a large entrance, the door of which are open. She peeks inside. Lord Robin is dancing to an energetic synth-dance tune. He is *very* good. Yuri continues to watch until Robin notices her.] ROBIN Percy! Just what do you think you're doing? Didn't your mother ever tell you what happens to little girls who spy on people? They grow up to be telejournalists and make millions of credits! YURI I--I'm lost. Could you tell me how to get back to my room? ROBIN First things first. Let's see you dance. YURI Huh? ROBIN You heard me. Shake your booty! [Yuri stands for a moment, then shrugs.] YURI [to herself] What the hell... [Yuri starts to dance, tentatively at first, but finally letting herself go. She is nearly as good as Robin, and he is impressed. The goony smile on his face loosens a bit, and he claps his hands over his head. The music stops, causing a startled Yuri to freeze in midstep.] ROBIN That was very impressive. However, I'm still in control of the board here. WALTZ! [A waltz starts up. Robin grabs Yuri and starts whirling about the room. Yuri at first has trouble keeping up, but is soon matching him step for step.] You're very skilled indeed, Percy. I had thought the waltz was a lost art. YURI My father made me take lessons. He thought it would help me get a husband. ROBIN Really? And what does he think of his bouncing baby girl shacking up with space pirates? YURI I haven't told him yet. I can't find your postcard shop. ROBIN HAHAHAHAHA! Time to raise the ante! TANGO! YURI WAAAA! [A tango starts and Robin dances mercilessly. Yuri keeps up, but barely. As the music comes to an end, Robin spins Yuri, dips her and looks deep into her eyes.] ROBIN [romantically] My sweet, darling Percy, there is only one thing that could make this evening complete. [brightly:] Do you play chess? [Cut to the hallway outside of Kei and Yuri's quarters. Hiyoko and Tony stand outside, Hiyoko clinging to Tony's arm. He rings the bell, and the door opens.] KEI WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU-- oh. Hi. I thought you were someone else. HIYOKO Hi, Cory! I just thought I'd check up on you, you know, after what you went through yesterday. Where's Percy? KEI I don't know. I haven't seen her for hours. I'm starting to get worried. HIYOKO Oh, don't be worried! She'll be fine, you'll see! She probably just got lost. TONY Hiyoko and I were about to head down to the recreation area to kill a little time. Want to tag along? KEI Well, uh, sure. I mean, if I wouldn't be, like, intruding. HIYOKO Oh, ha ha ha! Don't worry about that! Tony and I take care of all that behind locked doors, right, Tony? [Hiyoko hugs Tony's arm even tighter. He blushes a little.] TONY Uh, right. So how about it? KEI Okay. What the heck. [She steps outside and locks the door. The three head down the corridor.] HIYOKO And don't worry about Percy. I'm sure she can take care of herself. [Cut to Lord Robin's quarters, much larger than those of Kei and Yuri. On a small table, Yuri and Robin are playing chess. There are few pieces remaining on the board. Robin examines the board, looking frustrated.] ROBIN Not only does she *play* chess, she *beats* me at it! Wotta re-voltin' development this is! Hum hum hum... [Robin looks over the board once more.] What would you do if you were in my situation? [Yuri puts her elbows on the table, rests her head in her hands, and smiles.] YURI I'd resign. ROBIN Me, resign?!! Lord Robin *never* resigns! No no no, my dear! I still have one last trick up my sleeve! I shall play...the Dodd Gambit! YURI I've never heard of that one. ROBIN It's simple. Goes like this: DODD GAM-BIT!! [Robin sends the pieces flying across the room and starts to laugh. In spite of herself, Yuri laughs too.] You know, you have a lovely laugh. [Yuri is startled into silence.] YURI Oh... [Robin starts to pick up the pieces.] ROBIN I suppose I should get servants to do this, but I believe in cleaning up one's own mess. YURI Um, do you mind if I ask you a question? ROBIN Sure, if you don't mind me not answering. YURI I guess that's fair. I was just wondering how long you were planning to go on with this. I mean, how long do you think you can go on before the United Galactica catches up with you. ROBIN [suddenly completely serious] The United Galactica is a joke. [pause, Yuri is stunned. Robin snaps back into silliness.] But then, everyone loves a good joke! Like, "How many trouble consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" YURI How many? ROBIN Two, but it's got to be a really big lightbulb. [Yuri gets up and walks to the large window. She looks out at the mock-space.] YURI It's a shame you can't see the stars. The stars were the reason I got into space travel in the first place. ROBIN Really? [He finishes picking up the pieces and joins Yuri at the window.] YURI When I was a little girl, my grandfather used to take me out to his cottage on an island away from the big city. At night you could see all the stars. One time I asked him what the stars were. He told me they were dreams. He said that for every person's dream, there is a star, and if you find your star, and follow it, all your dreams will come true. [pause] The funny thing was, he was right. The stars *are* people's dreams. At least those with planets around them. [Yuri pulls away from the window.] Look, I'd better go. Cory's probably worried sick about me. Thanks again for the map. ROBIN Certainly. Perhaps I could see you for dinner tomorrow night? YURI Uh... sure! [Yuri leaves. Lord Robin continues to look out the window.] ROBIN Never thought of it that way before. [Cut to Kei and Yuri's quarters. Kei is sitting on her bed in her nightclothes. Yuri comes in and flops on her bed, face down.] YURI God, I'm beat. KEI You should be! It's 0400 hours! If we were back at the academy we'd be getting up in an hour. Where the hell were you, anyway? YURI With Lord Robin. KEI Wuh? You mean, Lord Robin and you had like... a date? YURI Hmm. I suppose you could call it that. We danced, we talked, I beat him in chess. He's not really that bad a guy, once you get to know him. KEI [sarcastically] Oh yeah, he's just responsible for the deaths of billions of people, that's all. No biggie. YURI He doesn't seem that way at all. It's strange... KEI Did he...try anything? YURI Huh? No. KEI Good. Try and remember where those transmitters are hidden. [Yuri props herself up and turns around.] YURI Come on, Kei! Give me a little credit, alright! [She lays down again.] (Yawn) Good night. [She rolls over and closes her eyes.] KEI No, hey, wait! Wait'll you hear what I found out! [pause, Yuri is fast asleep] Yuri? Oh well, I guess it can wait. [Cut to the hallway outside the Angels' quarters. Hiyoko rings the doorbell, looks impatient and rings it again. The door opens to reveal a very tired looking Kei.] HIYOKO Good morning! KEI Wuzzafrup you want... oh, Hiyoko. Hi. HIYOKO I was beginning to wonder if you guys were ever going to come! I only, like, rang the doorbell twenty times! YURI [from inside] We know. KEI Look, is there a reason for you waking us up or are you just being yourself? HIYOKO Of course there's a reason, silly! Lord Robin's holding a special spinning! Come on or we'll miss it! YURI Do you think we could maybe get dressed first? HIYOKO Ha ha! Of course! You two are so funny! I'll just wait out here. [Cut to interior of quarters. Kei closes the door and the two girls start to get dressed. After about fifteen seconds...] HIYOKO [behind the door] Come *on*, guys! KEI Just once. Please, Yuri, can I hit her just once? [Cut to the auditorium, which is filling with people. Yuri, Kei, and Hiyoko again take seats near the back.] YURI Hiyoko, why is Lord Robin holding this spinning so early? HIYOKO I dunno. I think there's going to be some kinda surprise. [The lights dim and the game show music starts up.] ANNOUNCER [VO] It's time once again to Spin the Wheel of Chance! And now, here he is, that host of hosts, that captain of captains, that dude what pays you, Lorrrrrrrrd Robin! [The audience cheers, albeit a bit unenergetically, as Lord Robin enters the stage holding a microphone.] ROBIN Ladies, gentlemen, and other members of the crew, it is time once again to select the name of the next planet to be graced by our presence. A lot of you are probably wondering, "Why did you get us out of bed at this ungodly hour? Who do you think you are anyway? Lord Robin or something?" [The audience laughs.] Fear not, oh loyal crewmembers o'mine! All your questions will be answered. Hoo boy, will they ever! But first...THE WHEEL! [The audience cheers as the curtain opens to reveal the gigantic wheel. Kirsten, in her slinky dress, poses by it.] Ah, the wonderful wheel! That huge wheel that is the centerpiece of these little gatherings of ours. Hmm. What am I supposed to do with it? AUDIENCE SPIN THE WHEEL!! SPIN THE WHEEL!! SPIN THE WHEEL!! SPIN THE WHEEL!! ROBIN Ah, yes! That was it! Kirsten, if you would do the honors? [Kirsten gives the wheel a spin and the names of planets once again flash by on the screen above it. People in the audience shout out.] VOICE1 Who're we gonna blow up next! VOICE2 Yeah! We're ready to kick some more ass! ROBIN [to himself] My my my. Aren't we a confident little bunch. [Robin walks over to the wheel, looks at the screen, makes a mental calculation, waits a bit, then stops it with his hand. The screen reads "EARTH". Kirsten is stunned, as are Kei and Yuri in the back. The audience goes quiet, then bursts into laughter. When Robin doesn't say anything, the laughter stops.] VOICE3 Sir, are...are you *serious*? ROBIN Well, of *course* I'm serious! Have you ever known me to be otherwise? VOICE4 But Earth is the most heavily defended planet in the galaxy!! ROBIN And after a few more days, it'll be the most heavily defended cinder! Unless... you think this is too much for you elite force types. VOICE5 N-no SIR! AUDIENCE No SIR! NO SIR! ROBIN Goody! Now I want all you crewmembers who aren't on duty to sleep on this for a couple more hours. Then tonight, we'll have the most destructive party ever! Wouldn't want to break a tradition now, would we? [The audience cheers as Lord Robin takes Kirsten by the arm and leaves the stage. Cut to Yuri, Kei, and Hiyoko in the back.] HIYOKO Wow. This will be different, huh, guys? [Kei and Yuri have dazed looks.] KEI Yeah... YURI Different... [Cut to Kei and Yuri's quarters, as the girls enter and sit on the beds. They still look shaken.] KEI Yuri, I have friends on Earth. YURI So does everyone else. We *have* to stop him this time. If he succeeds, he could tear the entire United Galactica apart! KEI Do you think he could pull it off? YURI No, but then I didn't think he could get an agent into the 3WA, either. KEI You have a point... OH! I almost forgot! I was going to tell you last night, but you fell asleep on me! YURI What? KEI Tony said that they'll be taking the whole fleet out of mock space tomorrow for maintainence to the half-warp drive! They're doing it in deep space, light-years away from any star, where no one would expect to find them, but our transmitters could fix that, right? Yuri, this could be the chance we've been waiting for! YURI Then this is it. We've got to do it! We'll activate our transmitters as soon as we leave mock-space, then try to cripple the engines. KEI I've got a better idea. Why don't you try to distract Lord Robin, while I activate my transmitter? The area of space is only a couple of parsecs from where the fleet is located. One transmitter should be enough. And he knows you, so you could keep him occupied until the UG fleet gets here. YURI Hmm. Okay. He's invited me to dinner anyway. KEI Huh? You never told me that! YURI You never asked. [Yuri lays back on the bed.] Well, Kei, here we go. Time for us to save the galaxy. KEI Or die trying. THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad o